How I Embraced My Anxiety

I have a long history with anxiety.

I remember having my first what so called 'attack' back when I was a sophomore in high school. I never had an impressive social life to begin with, so it was pretty sad when I turned out to be the only one among my social circle during freshman year who took social science as a major while the rest of them chose natural science—because it means that we would go our separate ways in Grade 11. At that time, I was way more optimistic than I am today, so I didn't really think about it and I only focused on catching up with my passion.

However, the unthinkable happened in my first day of sophomore year.

I came to school quite early so when I entered my new classroom, it was still pretty quiet. There were only a few students inside, and I had no idea who any of them was. Do take note that I wasn't a popular student, obviously, and I wasn't good at making friends as well. So I just stood there in front of the class for a whole minute, scanning the whole room and trying to assess the situation, wondering where to go because despite the class being pretty empty, the seats were pretty much taken as there were bags lying on top of most desks. It would be really awkward if I just took a seat anywhere because I didn't even know whether these people wouldn't mind having me as a deskmate.

Then, a girl who was sitting in the second row asked me if I wanted to sit beside her. Perhaps she felt bad seeing me in a lost state like that. I was surprised but I wasn't mind either, so I sat next to her and introduced myself. I had no idea what to talk about, she was busy with her phone anyway and there were like twenty more minutes or so before the class started, so I decided to escape the awkwardness and excused myself for some fresh air.

Instead, I made my way to the restroom and went into the stall on the furthest end, locked the door, and broke down in tears without me even realizing it. To this day, I'm still not sure why I started crying. At that moment, all I knew was that I was scared to the bone, and I'm not kidding. I never told anyone about this; not until today.

That, ladies and gentlemen, was only the tip of the iceberg.

Time passes but my anxiety stays. That may explain why I don't really hang out nor be social in the first place. I realize that people might think of me as an awkward or even arrogant individual. That's fine. I don't mind being labeled either way, but I feel sorry that people have to see the ugly side of me before even getting to know who I really am.

Does it sound like an excuse that I made up for my lack of participation in social life? Yes, it does, but that doesn't mean that what I'm feeling is not real.

I had another attack recently, the worst one up to this date. I was faced with a tough problem and I was just 'recovering' from it when suddenly a train of thoughts and fear hit me. Hard. It was just a normal, boring afternoon and I was busy with my books and all when suddenly I started thinking about all the worst scenarios that can occur in one's life and fear of losing things that were important. Anxiety and overthinking are never a good combination. The next thing I knew, I was sweating, my heart was pounding, and I felt like someone was strangling my neck to the point that I was short of breath. As if there was something in my throat forcing its way out.

I was suffocating, literally, for no reason (or maybe for all the reason that is).

People who know me might be surprised—or at least frown—if they read this. Everything about me seems normal, bland even, but I always feel like I am different and not in a good way. I spent years trying to understand my own situation and I never really shared this with anyone. I think there must be a time in everyone's life where they feel like they've hit the lowest point, where they simply feel insecure. Up to that point, it is indeed a normal thing but when you feel insecure for what feels like forever, there has to be a bug in your system—and that's exactly what's been going on with me.

The reason why I wrote this is not to seek attention nor pity. I may not even capture the situation in words properly but I want to share that yes, I do have anxiety and I embrace it as a part of me. It may sound wrong to just embrace the thing that should've been fixed, but every cloud has a silver lining.

Anxiety gives me a lot of room to think. At some point, this may have been a disadvantage but on the good end, creativity bursts along with your overflowing thoughts. When I get anxious, my mind is turning into a chaotic battle zone, trying to balance the strong wave of thoughts and the last straw of sanity. So I write and let the words flow out of my internal system, and suddenly I have a long-ass essay on whatever makes me anxious before.

Anxiety also gives me better understanding of people. Sometimes, it is difficult to grasp the concept of people doing certain things especially the ones against your stance and belief. This is actually one of the oldest problems within humanity but being an anxious kiddo, I often drown myself in the pool of 'what if' and 'why' questions. So when problem arises, I tend to put myself in others' shoes and see why certain things trigger or not trigger them. Why they're mad. Why they want it. Why they don't.

At some point this may influence my interest in peace study, but I'll save that story for later.

So, anxious people, it's okay to be anxious and your feeling is valid despite what people say or think. Embracing doesn't mean that you're giving up to the pit of sorrowful thoughts. It means that you have better understanding of yourself now, willing to improve but not necessarily to change.

One Ticket to Mars, Please

It is very unlikely for me to speak up about things that bother me like this under normal circumstances. But our society is turning into a more and more disgusting pile of shit and I don't think I can refrain myself from talking about it. To say that I am disappointed is an understatement. I am in disbelief of how people are turning against each other, how jokes are turning into reality, how hatred is deeply entrenched in the system.

Turn on the news and you can see Trump, I mean President Trump, getting high on his victory. I thought he was running for president as a joking matter —like Stephen Colbert did back in 2008— and here we are now looking at the brand new, fresh from the tan bed, president of the United States. I mean, I am not an American citizen but as an International Relations scholar myself I cannot help but care about it. Have you seen the names in his possible cabinet? Americans may have either Chris Christie, Rudy Giuliani, or Pam Bondi as the Attorney General in the very near future.

All I can say is: good luck, 'Murica.

Then you can see 'Ahok' and 'defamation of religion' in one sentence in almost every local news portal existing, every single day. I want to say something about this but just last night, I read someone's long ass opinion on Facebook about it and I couldn't believe how divided and full of hate our nation is, judging solely by the comments posted. As a Muslim myself, I feel sorry and terrified at the same time. I feel sorry to other religious communities in this country for having to keep up with our shit. I feel terrified because (1) I can see the true power of information through this case, and (2) the whole thing only solidifies my belief that there's no point of having faith in humanity anymore.

(That's it. I don't want to be sued by extremely sensitive people.)

The next thing you'd find on the news is Choi Soon-shil the Korean Rasputin or —in a more Indonesian context— Korean fusion of Bunda Putri and Gatot Brajamusti. I find this one fascinating because it turns out that the concept of 'having a spiritual guidance from a spiritual mentor that basically sucks your money out of your bank account' also exists in South Korea. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised because politics is dramatic after all but having a possible technoob who discarded her unencrypted Galaxy Tab full of confidential information (and a bunch of selfies) controlling the heart and mind of your president is taking the drama to a whole new level, especially because Park Geun-hye is actually, willingly, swallowing everything Soon-sil feeds her with.

Lesson learned: Korean dramas are good.

What else is on the news? Oh yes. People living under siege in Aleppo are running out of food, and here I am having my second cup of coffee for the morning out of anxiety with no sign of feeling better at all. Now that president Orange (am I being racist?) is taking over American foreign policy, I cannot (more like, I don't want to) imagine how much of a mess it would be. It is already difficult to untangle the situation in Syria, and now that we're about to have a bunch of twisted policy makers in charge, it will be painstakingly difficult to see the light in this war.

But let's not be too pessimistic. I mean, as the sleepy potential Secretary of Education Ben Carson said:

"Even if Donald Trump turns out not to be such a great president, which I don't think is the case, I think he's going to surround himself with really good people, but even if he didn't, we're only looking at four years..."

Of course, Ben. Nothing bad could possibly happen in four years anyway.

Clinton's electability, however, was flushed down the toilet overnight after her email scandal 2.0 featuring Anthony Weiner and his raged hormones. 

Well, not really. Hillary already came under fire during the previous election though. We later found out that as a Secretary of State, she was using her hdr22@clintonemail.com address instead of an email with .gov domain—very suspicious. Julian Assange despises her so much he leaked her mails (David Duke thanked him for this on Twitter) as well as John Podesta's —her campaign chairman. After this election, though, people were so desperate they crashed Canada's immigration website. 

So you, Americans, are not only looking at four years. I mean, the Civil War and even World War I happened in a four-year course. Wake up, Ben.

This might explain why Elon Musk and his missions to Mars sound promising. Perhaps the sole reason why he founded SpaceX was to escape the mess we've made on Earth and start humanity over in a different time and space. However, going to Mars would cost an estimated 10 billion dollars per pax so unless your name is listed on Forbes, you need to sell your home, sell your ride, sell your wife, sell your kids, sell your kidney and any other organ you can bypass and still be alive without it, do money laundering, corrupt the government, and maybe even sell your soul to Satan or whatever —and you can only say goodbye to this planet by 2022 (if the plan works) so you have at least six more years of life on Earth to endure.

But come to think of it, you would still face the exact same kind of species with the exact same social construction inside their heads —unless the ticket includes brainwashing activities.

Now that we are left with no choice but to continue living, I really do hope that people would sit down, blast Paul McCartney's and Stevie Wonder's Ebony and Ivory on their speakers (it's a good song), and think about minimizing conflict. A world without war and conflict only exist in a place that is not yet to exist —basically nowhere— so can we please just Netflix and coexist? Netflix is good. So is coexisting. I made a thesis about peacebuilding and I thought that everything I wrote was shit but then I realized that while creating an ideal condition of positive peace is difficult, creating a peaceful relation between arch nemesis is not impossible. So, maybe I wasn't that high on caffeine while typing anyway.

(Although, I'm starting to believe that the end of the world will not be due to natural causes but human-made wars against humans themselves.)

Still contemplating on moving out of this planet, though. 


Een enkeltje Mars, alstublieft.

Small Things Matter Too

People have different perception on achievements. A person might have an A-class track record, be blessed with fame, have a wonderful career and succeed in general but feels like he hasn't really done anything. A doctor might have helped thousands of people but feels like he hasn't really contributed anything to humanity.

The problem is in the shoes. Put yourself in other's shoes and things will be different.

Having graduated from university, one of the first thing you should prepare is a resume. The time I spent to create my first resume was ridiculously long, because I wanted to show the best version of me and all I could think about was how my resume would impress people. It was not an easy task because I couldn't help but compare myself with my friends.

Their LinkedIn profiles were super cool, with tons of achievements and ridiculously long list of activities and contributions they had done. I looked back at my own resume and internally cursed because no, mine was not even close to their level.

I hate this mindset but everytime I see my friends' profiles in any platform of social media, I can't help but feel inferior. The fact that they are out there being awesome makes me feel like I am unfit to even compete in the real world. Given the same time frame we're living in, how could they achieve so many while I seemed to walk in circle?

I admire the things they've achieved, but then it makes me think. If achievements are measured by solely the major, the bigger picture, doesn't it mean that humanity has lost its touch with the beauty in small things?

It is scary how the system has constructed us to think that to achieve something is to do something professional, if you want to be considered relevant. Of course, corporate world doesn't need a sad, whining poet. They want a worker with blind dedication and a minimum three years of experience. Perhaps with reference from past employers.

Back to the topic, I tried to think of an answer to the question "What is your biggest achievement?" and realized that a 'relevant' answer doesn't really answer the question itself. That a 'relevant' answer will be too shallow, but works when you need some cash.

I personally think that the biggest achievement of any human is to be able to stand up after a fall.

What do you think brought human civilization to its current form? Food shortage, injustices, discrimination, natural disasters. Humans progress because they can always stand up after falling repeatedly, and then they learn.

When you're done cleaning up your messy room. When you make a perfect sunny side egg. When you speak without stutter. When you wake up in the morning with a good mood. When you finish a book. When you get your license. When you drive to places you've never been before. They are all relevant.

If you are that dude with A-class resume and wonderful career, congratulations. You are perfect according to our society today. If you are not, remember that your small achievements matter too. That you are not a lesser human being just because you never speak in front of world leaders nor have the word 'Executive' attached on your status, printed in your business card.

Small things matter too.

Noob's Review: Kingdom Hearts Unchained X

 

Author's Note: Please skip the first two paragraphs if you have no interest in my personal life. I am saving you some trouble.

Hello. Yesterday, I went to a job fair and completed an online test for a very interesting job vacancy. It has something to do with investigation and justice and all, and being a kid who watches too much crime dramas, I put my hope high in this opportunity. The first thing on my mind when I heard about the vacancy was, "Wow, I could sport a Ziva David with this job!" and if you have no idea who Ziva is, please Google her because she is a badass.

Anyway, I was a bit disappointed with how I was doing on the test. The result will be out on the 29th but I kind of evaluated my own performance and feel quite pessimistic because I could do so much better! There were two different tests and I kind of messed up the first one, which I guess was fatal because the second one was more of a psychological assessment. That brought my mood down —not to mention that I am now down with a terrible cold— but you know the best thing to do after a bad day? Gaming! 

So, ladies and gentlemen, I present you the second installment of Noob's Review.

I am going to talk about one of my favorite games of all time: Kingdom Hearts. I am extremely hyped with the announcement of Kingdom Hearts 3 and the trailer is already super lit but today, I want to talk about the mobile version of the game called Kingdom Hearts Unchained X. While the game might be unavailable for download in several countries, I fortunately had the access to try it and, boy, I fell in love with the game almost instantly.

My avatar used to look like this.

So, unlike the PS version, we can create our own avatar, dress them up and play as our own character. While it might be slightly disappointing that we cannot play as the classic playable characters from the other versions of the game, this is definitely something new and it honestly does not make the game less interesting. Another thing is that you can join a party, which makes battles easier because you can choose any player to assist you during a mission —especially in a Raid Boss battle.

There are four different modes (a.k.a quest types) you can choose. You can play the Story mode, which is basically the main part of the game, to complete every quest and unlock the storyline. The downside of this mode is that sometimes the quest feels a bit repetitive. In this game, the battle is structured and we take turn to attack. In each turn, we can attack the enemy for like four to six times depending on the medals we equip on our keyblade but I will save that for later! In short, it is not as dynamic as the PS version so I guess at some point, yes, the battle is pretty boring, but that does not mean that I hate it.

In the Special mode, you can do different kinds of missions every day with a lot of prizes you can use in order to upgrade your keyblade or level up your medals. Similarly, the Event mode offers pretty much the same thing but it is occasional and sometimes you can get special medals or there might be a themed quest you can complete. There is also the Coliseum in which you can do like mock battle to practice your skills and collect coins to be redeemed on the Coliseum Board, where you can get special outfits or bonus medals and all. This mode can only be unlocked once you complete 130 missions in Story mode, as I recall.

My favorite keyblade so far.

You might be wondering why I keep mentioning about the medals. These medals are the thing you equip on your keyblade which come in so many different kind of characters and skills, but in general there are three types of medals: Speed, Power and Magic. Oh, and you will receive more keyblades as the story progresses. For example, that keyblade above is called Olympia and it can be unlocked once you complete the missions in Hercules' universe.

Anyway, my favorite medal so far is this six-stars Power medal of Black Coat King Mickey:

King Mickey has a powerful special attack that targets all enemies at once. The only downside is: it requires 3 gauges (which is considered a lot!)

Note that the medal above has Poison skill? Skills do not come in one package with your medal, but you can fuse a Skill medal with any of your medals to get one. The Skill medals are usually available in Coliseum or Event boards. You can add some points to your Strength and Defense by fusing your medal with a Chip (Strength) or Dale (Defense) medal. That is how I got those plus points. On the other hand, Special Attack is a given skill that comes with your medal by default, and the only way to level it up is by fusing two or more identical medals with the same star level.

What else should I talk about? Oh, yes. The game takes place in several different universes, from Daybreak Town to Wonderland to Agrabah. So far, I have completed 325 missions and I am currently in the Underworld looking for Cloud Strife (Oops, spoiler!) where you can meet Hades and fight the multi-headed Cerberus.

I feel you, Hades.

So, do I love this game? Absolutely. (I am a trash for anything Square Enix)

What do you like most from the game? The medals! It is actually fun to collect different medals and power them up.

Do I like the mobile version better? Not really. I was hoping for 'real actions' instead of taking turn to attack with enemies —which actually reminds me of Persona/Shin Megami Tensei series.

Am I going to keep playing? Of course. This is the kind of game that has to (and will forever) be on my gadget. Better finish what you start, son.

Anyway, please note that I am not a pro and I do not even consider myself a gamer, so whatever I have said in this review might or might not be relatable to other players. One thing though: even if you are new to Kingdom Hearts, I am pretty sure that you will enjoy this game.

Drabble: Morning Talk

This morning has been an emotional roller coaster –except that I am not the one riding it. I am listening to a story. A story of a person who never stops dreaming. A story of a woman who is devoted to the love of her life. A story of a mother who has not realized that she is actually the center of gravity.

Our conversation started as a simple chit-chat. But then, she started to frown and I realized that she was restraining herself from the incoming emotional train wreck to come. In the end, she decided to spill the guts, and here I am, still listening to her every word and all the emotions attached with every syllable pronounced.

She has a lot of dreams to catch. Some are simple and some are her long-forgotten desires. She wants to learn new languages. She wants to try yoga. However, she has insecurities and they are similar to mine. It is just that I do not speak of them. That is a line I have not wanted to cross. 

This conversation slowly shifts to something deeper. She told me she wanted to do all these things now that she finally had the financial support. We are now walking down her memory lane and I understand how many struggles she had been through better. This is not the first time she is telling me this, but hey, there is no harm in listening.

She did not come from a rich family. In her last year in college, she was so broke that she had no idea how to pay for her tuition. It was not that her family did not support her. It was just that she had so many siblings to feed and she –who is currently breaking down in tears– was never a priority, she said.

Luckily, she had him; a man who was willing to use his own savings for her tuition. She was so determined to pay him back, so she hurried up and landed her first job. 

She finally had her first salary but do you know what he said when she handed him the brown envelope? "Give it to your parents. Oh, and by the way, how many times do I have to tell you it was not a loan?"

She is forever thankful and his sincerity overshadows his dirty laundry. Not that he had many, to begin with. A question pops in my mind. Is moral debt a part of love? This, I will never understand.

She said that one of the first things he asked after their marriage was, "Is there any food you want to try?" because now that they are settled and married, he would buy all the foods in the world for her if he could. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call romance.

Love is when you have to split five bucks for two –what is now only worth a bottle of water– and what concerns you is whether your significant other has anything to eat.

Also, polar opposites attract. He is a people person. Her? Not so much. Her only true friends are her sister –and perhaps him. She would rather meet new people than meet an old friend. Nostalgia hurts, she said.

"Holy shit, Lisa, are you me?" is the only thing I can say. She laughs because it is true. I internally cry because I wish I could tell my story too, but I guess some stories are better left untold.

Forever.


 
P.S. I have a lot of unfinished drafts, neglected and almost forgotten in my notebook. Most of the time I would just re-read every page and over-optimistically reassure myself that there will come the day where I can finish them. Most of the time I would hesitate but today, I realized that it would be a waste and decided to share those fragments. I guess there will be more drabbles to come, so stay around to read them all and share your thoughts.

Noob's Review: Life is Strange

Hello. I have a lot of things going on for me lately —and honestly I prefer not to talk about them— but I am feeling under the weather right now and whenever I am being in said situation, I need to write something solely in order to calm down. I cannot tell you what happened but I can assure you that it is not fine and it would be nice if we just talk about anything but that one hell of a topic. Thank you.

So, here I am, writing a game review for you, readers. You might ask, “What the fuck? I had no idea you were into games!” or “Pfft, what do you know about games anyway?” but hey, that is the point of this post! I am going to write a review of this game I have been playing for the past two or three days but from a noob’s point of view. So, bear with it.

The game I want to talk about is called Life is Strange. It was basically a visual novel-styled game and like any other visual novel out there, your decision matters and alters your storyline. This game was developed by Dontnod Entertainment and published by Square Enix. (Kingdom Hearts 3 is actually happening by the way!) 

I am a trash for Square Enix, so this game immediately caught my attention. Anyway, it was released a year back thus this review is obviously a year too late, but I am not a pro gamer (hell, I cannot even think of proclaiming myself as a gamer, like, what a burden!) and neither am I a pro blogger so, again, just bear with it.

(Spoiler alert.)

So, I have the chance to play all five seasons of the game. The story follows a freshman named Max who was back to her childhood town, Arcadia Bay, after moving four years prior to Seattle. In short, she had superpower. Spoiler alert (part two), she could go back in time and rewind things and, of course, saving people along the way. One second she was the unpopular, bullied student and the next second she was about to save the whole town from a massive tornado –in other words: your typical hero.

(End of the spoiler.)

The gameplay was, uh, fine? The first time I played, the game immediately reminded me of Bully (classic!) because it took place in a school setting and somehow I felt like it was Bully 2.0 minus violence and the very unhygienic cook lady in her hell of a kitchen. If you happened to play Bully, you know what I am talking about.

Anyway, despite being visual novel-ish, there are a lot of things you can do. Your character Max can go around, talk to people and choose your answers. They also give you different options when interacting with objects around you. You will need to look for particular objects and manipulate the way things work sometimes, and that is why this game is far from being boring despite its limited actions.

The graphics is awesome (Square Enix, duh.) and it was one of the main reason why I love this game. I love the whole Arcadia Bay setting —from Blackwell Academy, Chloe's mom's diner, to the lighthouse. The only thing that was off for me was the characters. I mean, I expected more detailed and real-life like features but overall, everything was eye-pleasing.

What else do you talk about when you talk about games? The story? If you are looking for a game with relatable (albeit unrealistic) story which makes you feel like you are actually involved in it, this is your game. 

If you love mystery and science-fiction, you will love this because (spoiler alert number three) the game does not only require us to solve the mystery of Max's power, the disappearance of Rachel (Chloe's friend) and all the shits going on at Blackwell; we also have to solve the bigger mysteries that is the disaster that was about to sweep the whole Arcadia Bay and the weird phenomenons like the out-of-nowhere eclipse and snow in the middle of summer. (Wait, was it spring? Fall?)

Overall, this is one of a few games that I actually enjoy playing despite not exactly being my cup of tea. I prefer games with a lot of actions and battles and such. 

Not bad for a noob, I guess?

I'm Never a Big Fan of Decisions

Warning: This post is created as an instant stress reliever. Forgive me for this post has no certain flow.

There are times when you have to decide, whether you go right or left, whether you stop or move forward. Making decisions is never an easy task for people like me. Some people might label me as a coward, that I play safe and I'm not willing to take risk. To some extent, yes, I do try to play safe because I calculate things. Why gamble when you can have certainty?

Decision making has been my biggest weakness for years. I am the kind of person who would lurk around a store looking for this and that, standing still in one alley for minutes trying to decide what to buy, but end up walking out empty-handed. (I know. It's ridiculous.) It is not that I have no preference. I clearly know what I like and what I don't like, but sometimes I just think too much that I become indecisive. There are too many 'what ifs' in my head that I can never ignore, and I don't think I should do.

Doubts are there because your mind is trying to warn you to be careful. I know that sometimes doubts hold you back from soaring high, but I treat doubts as a coffee break in a meeting, as a nice rest area in a long toll road.

I need longer time to think and eventually decide, because I want to see every possibility and I cannot rush myself to do so. Maybe that is the very reason why it is so difficult for me to keep up with life. The fast-paced lifestyle that people today are leaning to puts too much pressure for me to bear. (One of the reason why I dream of moving to a quiet place up in the hill or somewhere near the ocean.)

I can never understand people who can make any decision in a blink of an eye. People who are into one night stand or people who blindly take the risk. Why would you do that, and how? How on earth do you people decide on things so fast? Do you even take some time to sit down and think?

Think of life as a role playing game. In such game, every decision matters. Every choice you make alters your story line. The same goes with life. Where you go after school, what major you choose, what language you learn to speak, what you eat for breakfast, who you date. Every single thing matters.

One more thing that affects my decision is intuition. I am a person who moves with my intuition. If it says yes, then I would go forward but if it says no, I would listen and contemplate. Some people might say that it is irrational, that it's just myself trying to find an excuse but hey, you don't know how my mind works. The universe is watching your every step and listening to your every doubt, and it speaks through your subconsciousness. (Some people think intuition is shit, but I trust this shit more than I trust people.)

There's a major chaos going on inside my head, right now, and it urges me to make a decision; fast. Words cannot express how much of a burden it is because I can't just tell life to slow down, can I? I'm leaning to one option but even now I am still questioning whether it is the right thing to do, because just when I thought that life was leading me to another route, it drew me back. It's like a slap in the face. A punch in the gut.

So how do I, an indecisive individual, make decision?

I list down, literally, every single possibility. What can go wrong, what can go right. What is beneficial and what is not. What makes me happy. What other options I have. What I'll lose if I leave the chance not taken. Then I listen to my soul. I lie down, if possible, and listen. If that doesn't help, I'd go for people's advice but often times I'd listen to what my inner self has been yelling about desperately anyway. If you're religious, then go say some prayers. The universe always listens.

I've been in a similar position once. At that time, the choices were even narrower because actions had been taken. I did not think through and I decided to go along. I spent days crying, hoping that the universe would take them away but it was getting closer by the day. So I decided to be the tough guy. Turns out it wasn't so bad, but then I doubted my intuition. Now that I think about it, my intuition wasn't fully a miss but life just wanted to take me somewhere new.

This is a major reason why I'm sort of doubting my decision right now. Then again, it was a whole different situation back then and this time, I have full control of myself and my actions. Let's just hope that after all this time, I can finally make one right decision today.

So I Had My Very First Job Interview

  

Warning: The following post is unedited and, to be honest, do I even have a point?

Hello. (I bet you read this in either Adele's or Lionel Richie's voice.) 

It's been a while since I went on a rampage (okay, that's exaggerating) and deleted all my posts but two. Now that I feel the itch to write again, I decided to summon this blog back to life. Also, I have decided that this blog can be whatever the hell I want it to be. No more irrational perfectionism. I'll say what I want to say.

A lot of things happened while I was missing. I graduated. I bid farewell to my old bed; the one I've been sleeping on for more than twenty years. (Yes, I'm still living with my parents because they love me and it is financially efficient. Problem?) I started wearing glasses again because, apparently, my eyes are terribly prone to irritation; so terrible that my eyes burn every time I try to put my contacts on. Well, not literally.

The biggest highlight, though, is that I am now officially unemployed. (As if I wasn't already one.) I love having all the time in the world for myself. I love hiding in my blanket all day escaping reality. However, being idle is not always fun. I want to actually do something. At some point, I think all I want is to be relevant. Admit it; people always long for acknowledgement. Who doesn't want to be appreciated, no matter how small the things they do?

So I looked for a job. I am still looking for one but, believe it or not, last weekend I scored my first job interview ever. They contacted me on Friday night through text and I immediately asked myself, "What the hell am I getting myself into? Is this even real? Wait, how do I know this is not a scam? Holy mother of dragons, is this really happening? What—"

In short, I was freaking out. Because in that exact moment, I finally woke up from a long, deep slumber in the realm of fantasy and all of a sudden reality knocked on my window. No, seriously. I just woke up when I read the text. You know how people do when they just woke up. My parents found it surprising as well, mostly because I never told them anything about this. The moment I dropped the bomb, they started bombarding me back with questions. What company is it? What position did you apply for? Where is it? The classic 5W1H.

The next thing I knew, I was once again freaking out because they asked for my portfolio. I literally spent all day trying to gather whatever I can put on display and make me look professional —at the very least, a professional mess. I only had two days to prepare (for the worst) and I tried not to be so hard on myself. What I consider as irrational perfectionism kicked in again (I printed out three different covers for my portfolio, several times each; ended up using a template from Microsoft Word) but I managed to convince myself that there's a huge possibility that they might end up in a fancy trashcan, and that I wasn't doing too bad for a first timer.

The thing is, I felt oddly calm throughout the entire process (and usually, this unusual level of calmness means that I'm going to fail). Even when I sat down across the interviewer (one of the friendliest men I've ever talked to), I felt fine. He told me not to be nervous, probably because my hands were trembling but hey, I was born that way! They are trembling by default even when I am doing nothing! I've lost count of how many people telling me to 'calm down' when in fact I am very calm.

Anyway, the interview itself surprised me.

Mr. Interviewer: Hmm. Bachelor of Political Science. So, what exactly did you study?
Me: Well, actually it should be Bachelor of International Relations but Jobstreet had no such option.
Mr. Interviewer: Okay. What was your thesis about?
Me: (major throwback to June 9th)
Mr. Interviewer: So why did you apply for this job?
Me: (shamelessly selling me being the best version of myself)
Mr. Interviewer: Have you ever read *insert brand name here* before?
Me: Once, but it was a long time ago.
Mr. Interviewer: Well, of course. *insert brand name here* went bankrupt last year LOL
Me: LOL
Mr. Interviewer: (digging more and more about my knowledge)
Me: (I'm doomed but, well, five years of university has its perks)
Mr. Interviewer: So, do you think you have the qualities of a *insert profession here* in you?
Me: I guess? I still have rooms for improvement though.
Ms. Interviewer whom I suspect is from HRD: (asking the final question)
Me: (what am I saying?)

That was not the best depiction of what happened but yeah. I was (still am) amazed of how personal the interview was. That was beyond my expectation and I think it is safe to say that I feel welcomed. I know that they're secretly judging me but thank you very much for not showing it.

The fact that someone actually invited me for an interview itself is crazy. I mean, they wouldn't contact me in the first place if they weren't interested, would they? Someone out there was actually thinking of hiring me, a loser like me. That's insane. That also boosts my self esteem, so I kind of have mixed feelings about this interview. I was (still am) excited, anxious and everything in between, all at once.

What I learned from my first interview is that you have to know where you're going. I walked into the office in a suit and everyone around me was dressed in a button up shirt at best. I think I overdressed but hey, please take that as my form of appreciation, that I respect you and I appreciate your invitation. Also, you have to read. A lot. Oh, and try to start a conversation with other candidates because you can learn a lot from their experience. (I was surprised that I felt uneasy with the fact that no one was talking to each other and had their eyes glued on their smartphone. When did I become so social?)

Do I feel satisfied? I could've done better but in general, yes.
Do I expect much? Nope, but I have nothing to lose anyway.
Will I get the job? I don't think so. Yes, only if my luck is bigger than the universe.
Do I learn anything from this? Of course. Experience is the best teacher.
   
The hardest part though, according to me, is the fact that my life might change completely after this interview. (Look at how overly confident I've become.) Getting out of a comfort zone is never an easy task, but I think that is a part of being adult. (Oh, and I have so many things to say about being adult but let's save it for another post.) I guess it is true that we are our own enemy, that we are often the one holding back ourselves. Okay, why am I talking about this again?

I guess I can say that my interview went smoothly. I believe it's what you call a 'beginner's luck' so hey, shouldn't I be thankful? All I have to do now is to sit back, relax and wait for other surprises life is about to unveil.

Why I Deleted My Blog Posts

It's been a while since my last post and you might notice that all my earlier posts went missing except two. In case you’re wondering, I deleted them. I've always been a somehow-perfectionist person and I have this terrible habit, or should I say urge, to redo things that I find unsatisfying enough, especially when it comes to writing.

I usually rewrite notes from classes and try to arrange them in a more ‘organized’ fashion, and while doing so, I can waste like five or ten different sheets of paper because every time I make a ‘mistake’ eg. when I feel that my handwriting is not tidy enough or the font size is too big for my liking or the sentence doesn't make sense, I will definitely start everything over instead of using correction pen or such (which is, obviously, the more convenient option) –not just once or twice, I can write the same thing over and over for hours until I decide that it’s close enough to perfection.

I wonder if it can be considered as a compulsive behavior.

The same thing goes to this blog. I read everything over and simply thought, "Nope, I’m not keeping these trashes," and pressed the delete button without any hesitation. However, I’m not going to rewrite my old posts because the very reason why I deleted them is because I don’t think they’re worth-reading.

I want this blog to have a purpose and what I've written so far did not serve that purpose. There are tons of beauty, fashion, food, even mystery blogs out there and all of them has one thing in common: a theme. I was thinking of creating a certain theme so people would actually read my blog, but somehow I felt like an attention whore. Writing is not about getting attention, and I feel like I was slowly drifting away from the reason why I started blogging in the first place.

I would have deleted the entire blog, even, but I refrained from doing so considering that this blog is technically the only place I could channel my thoughts to the outside world (note that I have stopped using social medias despite not deleting them permanently).

So, here I am explaining (more like excusing) myself. Maybe I need a prayer circle or two so I can give some life to this sad blog, I don't know. I might even delete this post later.

Why You Should Keep a Diary

I’m not the type of person who talks much. Meet me in real life and you can tell that I have a terrible communication skill. The truth is, I don’t even know how to keep a conversation going. Well, my online self is just as awkward. I’ve lost count on how many times I killed a conversation; in a comment section, in a chat, in a forum. I’m a total loser when it comes to talking.

It’s not that I have nothing to say. I have so many things going on in my head, so many things to share with people, but no idea how to articulate them properly. On top of that, I am lacking the gut to do so. I want to be heard but at the same time I’m too afraid to speak up. The idea of throwing a statement, having someone reply to it and giving back another statement in response is a little bit terrifying.

That’s why I keep a diary. I am that kind of girl with a cute and colorful diary you’ve seen in the movies, except that my diary is kind of plain and it's not even close to 'cute'.

Keeping a diary keeps me sane. Imagine me as your phone’s internal storage. I have a certain capacity; a limit on how many data you can save –let’s say 16GB minus 4GB used by the system. You save all the pictures, sound, documents, even apps on your internal storage and suddenly your phone starts lagging and overheating and even restarting on its own. Your memory is almost full. Your device needs an external storage.

Imagine a diary as a memory card, as the external storage you need. Insert the card, move your data and back them up, and you are saving your internal storage from the torture of having too many data to bear, too many things to process. A diary works in a similar fashion. Your brain records a lot of things, mostly irrelevant. There are times when too many things are running in your head and you just can’t think. You need an external storage.

Keeping a diary is a way of burden-sharing. You need a place to channel your opinions, experiences and feelings, and while speaking promises you an instant release, writing could be a better option. When you speak, you just let the words out and you’re done. Unless you record it, you have no trace of it. Writing is a complex process and even though it requires more effort, it is a better stress-reliever in my opinion.

When you’re writing, your brain processes several things at once. You need to form a sentence, you need to choose the words, and you need to create a good structure so that you can really deliver your point. Basically, you do the same thing while speaking except that the process is quicker and more spontaneous. But writing doesn’t just stop there. Your brain needs to control the motor system of your hand so that you can create a handwriting or type on your keyboard.

In a verbal communication, you only need to make a sound that people could comprehend –in other words, pronouncing your words in a specific language –but in a written communication, you need to express them using a certain set of symbols known as letters and forming those letters into an understandable word through the process of combining and arranging. Don't forget the grammar.

Also, you can never write without reading. Triple the process, baby.

Although it sounds complicated, once you’ve done writing, I believe that you’d feel a greater sense of satisfaction since the amount of burden your brain released is greater as well, or so I assume. It is a good exercise for your brain while at the same time, it is also a way for your mind to relax.

Keeping a diary also means saving your precious thoughts. Sometimes, you think of something brilliant and you’re so keen of it, but then you start thinking of other things so much you completely forget your idea. Writing it down is a good way to save you the trouble.

As long as you’re breathing, your brain will never shut up. You need to let them out, and if you lack the ability to speak in any way or have no one to talk to, write it down. That also explains why I’m very fond of the idea of blogging.

And today, while casually strolling around the internet, I found an article with a very intriguing title: A Short Guide to Manly Journaling. Basically, the author gives you –by you, I mean men and those who identify themselves as one –some tips on how to keep a journal.

The title itself makes me think. To be honest, the content of the article is applicable to all gender and I don’t get why there is a need to label the activity as ‘manly journaling’. Is ‘girly journaling’ a thing? Is keeping a journal a girl thing? Then what’s so unmanly about keeping a journal? The article was even listed under 'Manly Skills' category. I’m not trying to insult the article nor the author nor the publisher here. It is a really nice, motivating article; a good reference for anyone who wants to start journaling.

I’m talking about stereotype. The image of a girl with a ponytail writing on her pink, flowery notebook with a pink pen on her pink bed in a pink room that people associate the activity of keeping a diary with. Note that they seem to avoid using the word ‘diary’ when it comes to men as if it sounds a little too feminine. Instead, they keep referring to this activity as keeping a 'journal’. It’s almost like the word ‘journal’ is for men, while the word ‘diary’ is for women. As if the word ‘man’ and ‘diary’ do not (and shall not) belong in the same sentence. Gendering?

What I’m trying to say is that keeping a diary, or a journal or whatever the term you refer to it with, does no harm to every human regardless of gender and might be a good way to balance your mind, even to improve your mental health. I’ve spent years keeping a diary and it helps me coping with hard times, channeling both frustration and excitement, and even practicing my writing. You should try it.