I'm Never a Big Fan of Decisions

Warning: This post is created as an instant stress reliever. Forgive me for this post has no certain flow.

There are times when you have to decide, whether you go right or left, whether you stop or move forward. Making decisions is never an easy task for people like me. Some people might label me as a coward, that I play safe and I'm not willing to take risk. To some extent, yes, I do try to play safe because I calculate things. Why gamble when you can have certainty?

Decision making has been my biggest weakness for years. I am the kind of person who would lurk around a store looking for this and that, standing still in one alley for minutes trying to decide what to buy, but end up walking out empty-handed. (I know. It's ridiculous.) It is not that I have no preference. I clearly know what I like and what I don't like, but sometimes I just think too much that I become indecisive. There are too many 'what ifs' in my head that I can never ignore, and I don't think I should do.

Doubts are there because your mind is trying to warn you to be careful. I know that sometimes doubts hold you back from soaring high, but I treat doubts as a coffee break in a meeting, as a nice rest area in a long toll road.

I need longer time to think and eventually decide, because I want to see every possibility and I cannot rush myself to do so. Maybe that is the very reason why it is so difficult for me to keep up with life. The fast-paced lifestyle that people today are leaning to puts too much pressure for me to bear. (One of the reason why I dream of moving to a quiet place up in the hill or somewhere near the ocean.)

I can never understand people who can make any decision in a blink of an eye. People who are into one night stand or people who blindly take the risk. Why would you do that, and how? How on earth do you people decide on things so fast? Do you even take some time to sit down and think?

Think of life as a role playing game. In such game, every decision matters. Every choice you make alters your story line. The same goes with life. Where you go after school, what major you choose, what language you learn to speak, what you eat for breakfast, who you date. Every single thing matters.

One more thing that affects my decision is intuition. I am a person who moves with my intuition. If it says yes, then I would go forward but if it says no, I would listen and contemplate. Some people might say that it is irrational, that it's just myself trying to find an excuse but hey, you don't know how my mind works. The universe is watching your every step and listening to your every doubt, and it speaks through your subconsciousness. (Some people think intuition is shit, but I trust this shit more than I trust people.)

There's a major chaos going on inside my head, right now, and it urges me to make a decision; fast. Words cannot express how much of a burden it is because I can't just tell life to slow down, can I? I'm leaning to one option but even now I am still questioning whether it is the right thing to do, because just when I thought that life was leading me to another route, it drew me back. It's like a slap in the face. A punch in the gut.

So how do I, an indecisive individual, make decision?

I list down, literally, every single possibility. What can go wrong, what can go right. What is beneficial and what is not. What makes me happy. What other options I have. What I'll lose if I leave the chance not taken. Then I listen to my soul. I lie down, if possible, and listen. If that doesn't help, I'd go for people's advice but often times I'd listen to what my inner self has been yelling about desperately anyway. If you're religious, then go say some prayers. The universe always listens.

I've been in a similar position once. At that time, the choices were even narrower because actions had been taken. I did not think through and I decided to go along. I spent days crying, hoping that the universe would take them away but it was getting closer by the day. So I decided to be the tough guy. Turns out it wasn't so bad, but then I doubted my intuition. Now that I think about it, my intuition wasn't fully a miss but life just wanted to take me somewhere new.

This is a major reason why I'm sort of doubting my decision right now. Then again, it was a whole different situation back then and this time, I have full control of myself and my actions. Let's just hope that after all this time, I can finally make one right decision today.

So I Had My Very First Job Interview

  

Warning: The following post is unedited and, to be honest, do I even have a point?

Hello. (I bet you read this in either Adele's or Lionel Richie's voice.) 

It's been a while since I went on a rampage (okay, that's exaggerating) and deleted all my posts but two. Now that I feel the itch to write again, I decided to summon this blog back to life. Also, I have decided that this blog can be whatever the hell I want it to be. No more irrational perfectionism. I'll say what I want to say.

A lot of things happened while I was missing. I graduated. I bid farewell to my old bed; the one I've been sleeping on for more than twenty years. (Yes, I'm still living with my parents because they love me and it is financially efficient. Problem?) I started wearing glasses again because, apparently, my eyes are terribly prone to irritation; so terrible that my eyes burn every time I try to put my contacts on. Well, not literally.

The biggest highlight, though, is that I am now officially unemployed. (As if I wasn't already one.) I love having all the time in the world for myself. I love hiding in my blanket all day escaping reality. However, being idle is not always fun. I want to actually do something. At some point, I think all I want is to be relevant. Admit it; people always long for acknowledgement. Who doesn't want to be appreciated, no matter how small the things they do?

So I looked for a job. I am still looking for one but, believe it or not, last weekend I scored my first job interview ever. They contacted me on Friday night through text and I immediately asked myself, "What the hell am I getting myself into? Is this even real? Wait, how do I know this is not a scam? Holy mother of dragons, is this really happening? What—"

In short, I was freaking out. Because in that exact moment, I finally woke up from a long, deep slumber in the realm of fantasy and all of a sudden reality knocked on my window. No, seriously. I just woke up when I read the text. You know how people do when they just woke up. My parents found it surprising as well, mostly because I never told them anything about this. The moment I dropped the bomb, they started bombarding me back with questions. What company is it? What position did you apply for? Where is it? The classic 5W1H.

The next thing I knew, I was once again freaking out because they asked for my portfolio. I literally spent all day trying to gather whatever I can put on display and make me look professional —at the very least, a professional mess. I only had two days to prepare (for the worst) and I tried not to be so hard on myself. What I consider as irrational perfectionism kicked in again (I printed out three different covers for my portfolio, several times each; ended up using a template from Microsoft Word) but I managed to convince myself that there's a huge possibility that they might end up in a fancy trashcan, and that I wasn't doing too bad for a first timer.

The thing is, I felt oddly calm throughout the entire process (and usually, this unusual level of calmness means that I'm going to fail). Even when I sat down across the interviewer (one of the friendliest men I've ever talked to), I felt fine. He told me not to be nervous, probably because my hands were trembling but hey, I was born that way! They are trembling by default even when I am doing nothing! I've lost count of how many people telling me to 'calm down' when in fact I am very calm.

Anyway, the interview itself surprised me.

Mr. Interviewer: Hmm. Bachelor of Political Science. So, what exactly did you study?
Me: Well, actually it should be Bachelor of International Relations but Jobstreet had no such option.
Mr. Interviewer: Okay. What was your thesis about?
Me: (major throwback to June 9th)
Mr. Interviewer: So why did you apply for this job?
Me: (shamelessly selling me being the best version of myself)
Mr. Interviewer: Have you ever read *insert brand name here* before?
Me: Once, but it was a long time ago.
Mr. Interviewer: Well, of course. *insert brand name here* went bankrupt last year LOL
Me: LOL
Mr. Interviewer: (digging more and more about my knowledge)
Me: (I'm doomed but, well, five years of university has its perks)
Mr. Interviewer: So, do you think you have the qualities of a *insert profession here* in you?
Me: I guess? I still have rooms for improvement though.
Ms. Interviewer whom I suspect is from HRD: (asking the final question)
Me: (what am I saying?)

That was not the best depiction of what happened but yeah. I was (still am) amazed of how personal the interview was. That was beyond my expectation and I think it is safe to say that I feel welcomed. I know that they're secretly judging me but thank you very much for not showing it.

The fact that someone actually invited me for an interview itself is crazy. I mean, they wouldn't contact me in the first place if they weren't interested, would they? Someone out there was actually thinking of hiring me, a loser like me. That's insane. That also boosts my self esteem, so I kind of have mixed feelings about this interview. I was (still am) excited, anxious and everything in between, all at once.

What I learned from my first interview is that you have to know where you're going. I walked into the office in a suit and everyone around me was dressed in a button up shirt at best. I think I overdressed but hey, please take that as my form of appreciation, that I respect you and I appreciate your invitation. Also, you have to read. A lot. Oh, and try to start a conversation with other candidates because you can learn a lot from their experience. (I was surprised that I felt uneasy with the fact that no one was talking to each other and had their eyes glued on their smartphone. When did I become so social?)

Do I feel satisfied? I could've done better but in general, yes.
Do I expect much? Nope, but I have nothing to lose anyway.
Will I get the job? I don't think so. Yes, only if my luck is bigger than the universe.
Do I learn anything from this? Of course. Experience is the best teacher.
   
The hardest part though, according to me, is the fact that my life might change completely after this interview. (Look at how overly confident I've become.) Getting out of a comfort zone is never an easy task, but I think that is a part of being adult. (Oh, and I have so many things to say about being adult but let's save it for another post.) I guess it is true that we are our own enemy, that we are often the one holding back ourselves. Okay, why am I talking about this again?

I guess I can say that my interview went smoothly. I believe it's what you call a 'beginner's luck' so hey, shouldn't I be thankful? All I have to do now is to sit back, relax and wait for other surprises life is about to unveil.