In an empty room, full of thoughts

For the past few weeks, there has been this constant feeling of emptiness eating me up whenever I'm completely on my own. Mostly during my drive back home when it's just me, the wheel, and some jazz or blues blaring from the radio. I never really noticed how old-soul I am until I started listening to a certain radio station that has nothing but jazz, blues, advertisements that only the upper-middle and high-class members of the society can relate to, and a limited amount of speech. I stay tuned mostly because of the latter. You don't find a radio station like that too often these days. It's calming, soothing, and at the same time, amplifying the emptiness.

For the longest time, I've always wondered why I couldn't be like the people I look up to. These people can express themselves, show where they stand on an issue, clearly state what they have in mind. They know what to do and more importantly how to do the things they do. Then it hit me that maybe, just maybe, instead of emptiness, their lives were filled with passion, with only a clear vision of what it means to be alive and a strong set of emotions they can express freely. I always wondered why I couldn't be as vocal, why I couldn't be as brave as these people are. I think the answer is pretty clear now: they are not empty.

They are not at war with themselves.

As long as I engage in this battle with my own self, I can never be like them. I would be stuck in this personal bubble of mine where the hustle and bustle of the real world seem like nothing more than a picturesque view we all pass by on a fast-moving train. I'm also aware that before I could give an end to this personal battle (which to others might sound like an excuse, a complete bullcrap to even use as an excuse), I won't be able to connect with the real world.

Oh, but you seem fine to me, though?

One of my dearest friends in college once told me that when she thought she knew me, she realized that she really didn't. I was ocean-deep. Even to this day, I feel like I am a mystery. Even to myself. See? I told you I'm still too deeply engaged in this crappy battle. I am sick of feeling empty, and yet I don't trust a single soul to tell me what to do with this emptiness. Maybe deep down, I just don't want to get that help.

Have you ever read about how black holes work? Basically, it is impossible to get out once you're sucked into it. You'll end up being what many scientists refer to as 'spaghettified'. My mind is a black hole. Can you imagine how tough it is to get out of this black hole of negativity that has completely wrapped my head for years? How am I supposed to help create a better world for others when I can't even make it work for my own sake?

See, this is what I hate from having an ill relationship with yourself. I don't know exactly what I have. This mental state. This condition is definitely not the right condition for the human mind to strive in. This is clearly unhealthy, but I'm not seeking to give myself a certain label. The point is, I sound so selfish. This ill relationship I have with myself makes me a selfish human being who only cares about her own well-being, trying to retract herself from society for the sake of a peaceful state of mind. Maybe I was wrong this whole time, and I know I am. It's just that I'm not really sure how to turn the table.

I want this selfishness to end. I want to feel alive for once. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to feel the organic human connection that I believe I once had. Back when I had a positive outlook on life. Back when I could challenge the world and bravely (also, naively) said that the future did not scare me at all. Back when I thought I had my path paved on a solid structure.

I want to stop being so selfish, but at the same time, I am scared of reaching out to the world. I couldn't handle the thought of being the 'pitiful' one. See, I told you (I know I have, and I will tell you again) that I am selfish. Even when I'm trying to talk about the world, I am still talking about me. I hate that my head tries to put me on the front cover when I really only deserve my current title as an extra in everybody else's story.

Ok, I think I went too far from what I initially wanted to talk about. Emptiness, it is.

So, I started looking up some thought-provoking books, articles, movies, stories, theories, and all, but I guess I was too dumb to truly understand what is going on. So these words I read, these words I listened, these words I stumbled upon and tried to hold on to, end up as a bunch of words that touched my heart for a bit and vanished as soon as I wanted to grave it in my memory.

So that's the second possible explanation for my emptiness: I am simply dumb.

I might be too naive to understand the world, and even when I feel like I do, I start associating it with myself, which is pretty much unnecessary. I may not have the ability to understand the underlying cause of everything. Why people get upset. Why people are happy. Why this fight for a bigger cause is a lot more important.

But, is it really more noble to fight for a bigger cause? Is fighting for your own survival deemed arrogant nowadays? Is it wrong to be vulnerable and try to fix your own vulnerability first? Is it wrong to retreat before you're actually ready to go on a war for the bigger cause? Is it selfish? Is it really selfish?



(Yes, it is.)

(Fuck.)



p.s. Read this carefully and you'll be able to tell the exact moment my heart takes over and my mind sits back to let me pour it out, and I'm not sorry about that.

Hide-and-seek (except that I keep hiding)

'Stop hiding, man!'

Years ago, somebody told me to stop hiding.

I'm pretty sure this person wouldn't even remember ever saying those words to me, but to this day, the message still rings true. When I first started this blog, I tried to introduce it to my friends on social media, including Facebook. This person left a comment on my Facebook post saying that they actually enjoyed reading my blog and that I should stop hiding.

I felt so happy. Back then, I was so grateful knowing that somebody, whom I happened to have so much respect for, actually encouraged me to keep writing. They told me I'd get there. That I'd improve eventually.

Years later, I once again stumbled upon these words—and they hit me harder than they should.

After being dormant for so long, for the first time in years, I decided to log back into my account. I was just casually scrolling down my own profile—because frankly, I had no idea what Facebook even looked like today—when my eyes met this same old post, same old comment. I read it over and over, and it was almost like I just discovered old-age wisdom buried in my front yard.

There's something about these words that flipped my switch. All of a sudden, I felt like crying and I wasn't even sure why I should be. There's just a sudden rush of guilt, regret, and probably shame washing over me, mentally and even physically. I could feel the incoming train of thoughts, the incoming what if and why, why, why.

Sure enough, I started questioning myself (as if I hadn't been doing it already) and I just had to take that mandatory trip down the memory lane all over again. The exact same trip I take whenever my old pal anxiety kicks in. I wonder where I would be right now if I had taken those chances. I wonder who I would be surrounded with if I had kept them close. I wonder what would've happened if I didn't shut my own mouth. I wonder why I was hiding. Where had I been? What was I even hiding from?

Then I realized that maybe, maybe, I was playing the wrong game of hide-and-seek.

The rule is simple: hide where no one can find you, or seek until you find everyone. We gather, then we disperse. We keep looking or we slowly find a way out, to the designated place where we meet at the start. The problem is, while everyone else did the seeking, I was the only one did the hiding.

In real life, you should be the one who seeks out. It's a life-long quest to seek out who you are, but the choice is yours to make and the path is open for you to take. Along the way, you'll learn a lot about yourself while you're learning about what's around you. Then, someday, you'll get there. You find yourself. The game is over.

But if you're anything like me, you know that the game is not that simple. Seeking yourself is an exhausting job. Some people probably never even made it; some people probably left this world not knowing who they were or why exactly they were even here and not somewhere else across the universe. Some people are blessed with a solid certainty about their purpose on Earth, but something could happen along the way and all of a sudden, they're not even sure anymore.

25 years and I still have no idea.

I had done my part, seeking my true self and intention. I had an endless list of questions but hardly got any reply. One day, I was just so exhausted that I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. And then, I fell into the abyss. I tried so hard to get back up, but the distance between my rock-bottom mental state and the sky-high demand of the world was just too overwhelming that I decided to embrace staying in the dark.

(Sometimes, I think I actually enjoy being depressed.)

That's what happened. That's where the game went wrong. I was supposed to play the game of hide-and-seek. What I was playing was hide-and-hide-more. I had so little faith in myself that I couldn't even see myself playing the seeking game anymore. Seeking involves risky moves, and I decided to play safe. I might have reached the point where I'm just waiting to be found.

That's why that exact comment on my old Facebook post hit me that hard.

On one hand, I want the world to know what I'm thinking. On the other hand, I'm too afraid to let the world know what I'm thinking because then they would be able to read me like an open book. Maybe I wasn't built for the seeking game, because in this game, you need to have some faith in yourself. So, while I retreated to the hiding game, everybody else was already starting to figure out who they were and how they would like to function.

Perhaps, the person who left that comment never intended their words to be taken this far. Perhaps, the person who left that comment was simply glad to see me trying. Perhaps, the person who left that comment offered their words only as a kind gesture to a friend.

Maybe I still am playing the wrong game, but it doesn't mean that I'm not hoping things to change. From that day on, those words have become my personal mantra. I think I need a constant reminder to live my life to the fullest, even though I still have no idea what a 'full' life would be for me, personally.

Finally, years later, I try to stop hiding.

Stop hiding, man!

Commitment Issue Sucks

My cousin recently landed her first—and probably her last—job ever. She was one of the 'lucky' fellows out there who passed the rigorous and (unnecessary) long process of government hiring. She is now working for the Ministry of Finance, and for months, she has been and will be going under various training and courses before starting her actual role. I can never imagine being in her shoes.

As someone who has a terrible history with commitments, I can't imagine having to stick myself with one thing for almost the rest of my life. This is also the biggest reason why a relationship has always been the least of my concern. Marriage is a common theme for someone my age—for apparently everyone but me. It's not that I'm scared of the idea of commitment itself; it's because I always want to keep my options open.

Hell yes, I love an open ending. Why do you think I love Stephen King so much?

You see, being a federal or government worker means that you will have to stick with your job until the moment you are set to retire. Like it or not, you will have to shove everything you hate about your job up to your ass and just deal with it. I'm not saying that you'll never find a similar situation working in private sectors. What I'm trying to say is that working in private sectors means that you'll always have a way out. This could be a bad thing, but to me, it's a plus point.

I personally hate the idea of being 'restrained' in one place, knowing that there are tons of better options out there for you to take. This is why I can never work for the government. Wherever I go, I need to know that there's always a viable exit to escape to. It's the same reason why I always try to pay attention to flight attendants doing safety demonstration, no matter how repetitive or how boring it seems. I need to know that I'll have a way out. I need to know how to get off the plane, alive.

Perhaps, this is one of the byproducts of our education system. Huh. Bold of me trying to put the blame on the system, but hear me out. For years, I went to school, knowing that one day, I'd graduate. There would be a viable end to whatever hellish situations I was facing. I knew exactly that there would be a finale, and I could actually look forward to this 'last episode'.

But you know, sometimes the best TV series are the shortest ones.

After twelve years of basic education, four years of college, and an extra year trying to get out of college, I realized that after this, everything would be blurry. What am I supposed to look forward to now? Not to mention that I have developed a pretty serious case of anxiety over the years, so now everything becomes twice more 'challenging' than it should normally be.

Employment has its own expiry date, I know, but it's not something that comes in a year or two. I mean the longest I've ever been in a serious commitment was during my six years in elementary school. How am I supposed to survive, let's say, twenty years (or even more) of sticking with the same party, working for the same employer?

It's not helping that I have also given myself a bad reputation in terms of romance. I mean, come on, I once broke up with someone I had only been dating for several days. I'm not going to say how much it has broken my view of social commitment, but can you imagine the kind of trauma I have caused to this other person? I really am a monster, aren't I?

So, to anyone asking, "Why don't you work for the government? You'll have a better future," I would say, "Fuck you." You don't know how much I hate the idea of committing to something with no viable exit. Hell, I can't even stick to one skincare product for more than a year!

This is also what concerns me the most these days. What if I keep switching jobs? Damn, I want to be a level-headed, responsible adult for once. I want to stay and slay the hell out of it. I want to finish what I've started for once, for heaven's sake. And how am I supposed to be in a relationship when the first thing I do when starting something new is planning my exit?

This is probably why I love the idea of people being in an open relationship. No strings attached. You can leave wherever you want, and you have their consent to do so. I understand why people live together for a long time, and only get married after having like three children or so—because they want to be sure of what they're getting into. They give themselves time to decide. It's a luxury that not everyone could understand.

Oh, and let's not bring religions into this, please.

So, am I saying all of this because I can't survive my current job? No. Fuck you, I'm not going anywhere. I mean, if I didn't have my previous job taken away from me, I would've stayed for longer than I first thought I would. I am trying to be responsible here, so no. I won't make such a reckless move.

I'm saying all of this because some people need to understand that I'd like to always have a choice under my sleeves. Everyone has a choice. Everyone should have a choice, and if there's anything that I would definitely fight for in this crazy world, it is the right to have a choice and make my own choice.

And yeah, maybe I should learn to deal with commitments for once.