For the past few weeks, there has been this constant feeling of emptiness eating me up whenever I'm completely on my own. Mostly during my drive back home when it's just me, the wheel, and some jazz or blues blaring from the radio. I never really noticed how old-soul I am until I started listening to a certain radio station that has nothing but jazz, blues, advertisements that only the upper-middle and high-class members of the society can relate to, and a limited amount of speech. I stay tuned mostly because of the latter. You don't find a radio station like that too often these days. It's calming, soothing, and at the same time, amplifying the emptiness.
For the longest time, I've always wondered why I couldn't be like the people I look up to. These people can express themselves, show where they stand on an issue, clearly state what they have in mind. They know what to do and more importantly how to do the things they do. Then it hit me that maybe, just maybe, instead of emptiness, their lives were filled with passion, with only a clear vision of what it means to be alive and a strong set of emotions they can express freely. I always wondered why I couldn't be as vocal, why I couldn't be as brave as these people are. I think the answer is pretty clear now: they are not empty.
They are not at war with themselves.
As long as I engage in this battle with my own self, I can never be like them. I would be stuck in this personal bubble of mine where the hustle and bustle of the real world seem like nothing more than a picturesque view we all pass by on a fast-moving train. I'm also aware that before I could give an end to this personal battle (which to others might sound like an excuse, a complete bullcrap to even use as an excuse), I won't be able to connect with the real world.
Oh, but you seem fine to me, though?
One of my dearest friends in college once told me that when she thought she knew me, she realized that she really didn't. I was ocean-deep. Even to this day, I feel like I am a mystery. Even to myself. See? I told you I'm still too deeply engaged in this crappy battle. I am sick of feeling empty, and yet I don't trust a single soul to tell me what to do with this emptiness. Maybe deep down, I just don't want to get that help.
Have you ever read about how black holes work? Basically, it is impossible to get out once you're sucked into it. You'll end up being what many scientists refer to as 'spaghettified'. My mind is a black hole. Can you imagine how tough it is to get out of this black hole of negativity that has completely wrapped my head for years? How am I supposed to help create a better world for others when I can't even make it work for my own sake?
See, this is what I hate from having an ill relationship with yourself. I don't know exactly what I have. This mental state. This condition is definitely not the right condition for the human mind to strive in. This is clearly unhealthy, but I'm not seeking to give myself a certain label. The point is, I sound so selfish. This ill relationship I have with myself makes me a selfish human being who only cares about her own well-being, trying to retract herself from society for the sake of a peaceful state of mind. Maybe I was wrong this whole time, and I know I am. It's just that I'm not really sure how to turn the table.
I want this selfishness to end. I want to feel alive for once. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to feel the organic human connection that I believe I once had. Back when I had a positive outlook on life. Back when I could challenge the world and bravely (also, naively) said that the future did not scare me at all. Back when I thought I had my path paved on a solid structure.
I want to stop being so selfish, but at the same time, I am scared of reaching out to the world. I couldn't handle the thought of being the 'pitiful' one. See, I told you (I know I have, and I will tell you again) that I am selfish. Even when I'm trying to talk about the world, I am still talking about me. I hate that my head tries to put me on the front cover when I really only deserve my current title as an extra in everybody else's story.
Ok, I think I went too far from what I initially wanted to talk about. Emptiness, it is.
So, I started looking up some thought-provoking books, articles, movies, stories, theories, and all, but I guess I was too dumb to truly understand what is going on. So these words I read, these words I listened, these words I stumbled upon and tried to hold on to, end up as a bunch of words that touched my heart for a bit and vanished as soon as I wanted to grave it in my memory.
So that's the second possible explanation for my emptiness: I am simply dumb.
I might be too naive to understand the world, and even when I feel like I do, I start associating it with myself, which is pretty much unnecessary. I may not have the ability to understand the underlying cause of everything. Why people get upset. Why people are happy. Why this fight for a bigger cause is a lot more important.
But, is it really more noble to fight for a bigger cause? Is fighting for your own survival deemed arrogant nowadays? Is it wrong to be vulnerable and try to fix your own vulnerability first? Is it wrong to retreat before you're actually ready to go on a war for the bigger cause? Is it selfish? Is it really selfish?
(Yes, it is.)
(Fuck.)
p.s. Read this carefully and you'll be able to tell the exact moment my heart takes over and my mind sits back to let me pour it out, and I'm not sorry about that.
