By now, you should know the drill. I only wrote when I really need to tone down the noises inside my head.
Sometimes when I listen to a certain kind of ambient music, usually at odd hours like this when sleep is needed but not attainable, my mind would drift off to places I've never physically been to but somehow feel familiar.
Sometimes I'm in a car as if I was driving around late at night but everything was being fast forwarded. The exact same picture of a road sign would pop up in my head, but I could never figure out the words it says or where it's heading. In a way, it kind of gives off the feeling of a late night drive in a big city with huge roads (or more likely a highway). Reminds me of that one time I was driving from Kuta to Sanur after being stuck in the parking lot of Kuta Beachwalk, for some reasons.
Sometimes I'm in a house, also at night time. The house was predominantly white, with huge windows that probably oversee a garden. I don't know, it's always way too dark outside. I was somehow always walking down the stairs that lead to the house's dining room. I swear to God I've been to this house before. Probably it was from my childhood. Pretty sure it was the layout of my neighbor's house across the street of our old house in Bintaro. Not sure about the people I saw inside, though. I couldn't see their faces.
Other times, I would be walking in random places. When I do, sometimes my chest hurts as if it was something nostalgic. I don't even know if I have been there for real, to those places. In my head, though, I surely have.
Then it always leads to some degree of existential crisis. I would start thinking about how old I am now and how fast time flies. In no time, I would be 30, 40, 50, and if I'm lucky, 60, 70, 80. I don't know. I can even possibly die before my next birthday. It's not the process of dying itself that I'm afraid of. Death is natural, just like birth, but what comes after it?
Let's say I die. Now what?
The fact that I cannot say what for sure is the reasons why once awake at odd hours like this, it is so difficult to go back to sleep. Religions out there give us an idea of what would happen, but technically no one have ever proven it right. It cannot be scientifically tested, though to have faith in something does not mean that it has to be approved by the whole scientific community; the same reason why flat earthers are still here.
When I die, I imagine it would be like falling asleep to a painful headache, but will I ever wake up somewhere else? If I shut my eyes here, will I open them in another body? Will I still be me, or will I end completely with the last breath my lungs give me? Will I see my family, or will I start a new journey? Is heaven and hell even real, or are they just a metaphor of life and its reciprocity?
Will I get to see the places in my head? Are those fragments of someone else's memories or just a byproduct of my active imagination? Is it really me who go through all these images? Are those places simply the spitting images of what I have seen while being conscious? Am I trying to tell myself something?
Well, it seems for now that sleep is coming back to me. Let's get out of here, for I know I will be back in no time.
Good night.
