What went wrong
Oh, boy. Where do I even start? Let's begin with my least favorite subject: relationships. Be it a romantic or a platonic one, I think my biggest mistake is to shut people out before they even have the chance to knock on my door. Even if they manage to do so, most of the time I would refuse to open the door. The problem lies in my inability to trust myself to open up to people, which then leads to another problem that is my inability to relate and keep in touch with these people. It's not that I cannot trust people. It is that I have a hard time trusting myself; always contemplating whether showing my true color is the right choice. I think I'm afraid of the implications, but that's exactly why I can't really live my life to the fullest.
Now that I think of it, I think the root of all my problems is this: I'm afraid to take a risk. When I have someone I adore, I'm afraid of telling them how I really feel. I don't want things to change. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to bring chaos to an existing order. I don't want this person to change the way they think of me. I don't want this person to think that I have mistaken their sincerity for something more than an act of sincerity. I want to be genuine, but at the same time, I feel like I have to act in a certain way to keep myself safe. I feel insecure when I have my feelings all exposed. That's why I choose to lay low and even leave everything untold. I silence my feelings because I'm afraid of what could possibly happen if I let them out.
That's the exact same reason why I can't seem to move on. I stay in my bubbles of illusion and safety. At the same time, I let myself get hurt, knowing too well that I can hurt people more than they can hurt me. I've hurt people probably more than I can even remember, and I'm not risking people's happiness over my selfish state of mind. I know that I can never give back to these people, and that's exactly the reason why I tend to show them the way out before they even know how to get in. I might die single. Everyone dies alone, anyway.
Moving on to an even worse subject: career. I spent a whole year being a burden to my family. I was unable to make my own money, and I had seen the disappointment in people's eyes too many times that I didn't even have to look at them right in the eyes to know that they were boring holes at my useless ass. I was a failure. Still am. I was the textbook definition of what could go wrong with a former bright student, daughter, sister, and friend.
Again, the reason why I fell so hard was my inability to take a risk. I was too scared to face changes in life, the consequences of a choice that could've brought me somewhere completely different from where I am today. I could've been a journalist. I was given the chance twice, but I stepped back before I even started. I could've worked in the hospitality industry, become a trainee at a reputable international hotel chain if it wasn't for the fact that I chose my identity as a person over their mouthwatering offer of success and luxury. I could've done something sooner, though. I could've completed my degree sooner. Perhaps, the world would've been able to offer something even greater.
Then, I finally found a place where I could stand up on my own and secure my place in this unforgiving society, but this place was taken away too soon from the palm of my hand. It was bittersweet, but for some reason, I knew everything was meant to happen the way they happened. Still, I couldn't help but feel that I should've chased something bigger, something higher, something nobler even. Perhaps, that way I didn't have to see the look in people's eyes when I told them that I had no idea what to do with my life. Perhaps, I didn't have to hear all they had to say about how I crushed their expectations to the ground.
I used to promise myself that by the time I turned 25, I would've found myself in a completely different part of the world. That, of course, turned out to be another bullcrap I spat out of innocent expectation of how welcoming the world can potentially be. I was naive. Still am. That might be another reason why I keep walking in a circle while people simply move forward in life. I saw people finally finding their walk of life, actively chasing their purpose, knowing well what they want to achieve and how they would love to be remembered. And here I am, watching my world become less and less like a world and more like a designated space I somehow ended up at.
Enough with the negativity; now it's time for...
What went right
I probably made more terrible choices than I can make a good one, but there were days where I actually changed the course of my life for the better. The day I got out of a toxic relationship (I still think I was the toxic one, even though the other party was the overly-possessive one). The day I chose my faith and identity over a glimpse of success and luxury. Those days I chose my family over people I barely knew. Those days were quite rare, but they happened.
I had to bury many of my dreams, but some of my naive wishes came true. I've always wanted to be an editor. I got a job as a content editor at a small company. It was not the best job, but it was one of the best turning points in my life. It didn't end well, but it brought me to another interesting path of life. I've always wanted to be a writer. When this company closed down, I had two choices: become a localization staff at a game company in Jakarta or become a content writer at a game company in Bandung. Honestly, the latter came way after I rejected the former (honestly one of the best breakup I've ever gone through), but I was so sure that I could secure a place at the latter one. The universe was surely in a good mood the day they answered my prayer.
Unexpectedly, I manage to keep in touch with my dearest college buddies. They are my only close friends, honestly. I wish I could've kept my old friends from middle and high school close the way my college buddies stay with me throughout the years. It's okay; it's a natural selection. They might not even be the same people I recall in my memories. My current job environment helps me open up to people and create a bigger, better social circle, though. At least, I don't feel like running away every time I step into the office. Some people need to learn not to awaken the monster in me, though. For the first time in years, I feel like people actually care about me. Lesson learned: show that you care first.
I learned to compromise with myself. I used to hate my physical vessel with all my might. I couldn't go out not wearing the slightest layer of makeup. Nowadays, I can't even stand the feeling of powder on my face. I completely stopped wearing layers of foundation, BB cream, concealer, powder; you name it. Nowadays, it's just lip cream and I'm done. I'm still not pretty. I'm still not skinny. My face is not flawless. My chest is relatively flat. My butt is not firm. My thighs don't have a gap. My stomach is definitely not flat. I am happy with what I have, though.
I am single. My job doesn't pay that much. My resume is not that impressive. I am still living with my parents (even though most of the days it's just me and dad, in the morning and at night). The thing is: I am happy. I don't need a man to be happy (but it would be nice to have one). I make my own money and manage to save for myself. I am paving my own career, without any help from anyone or any connection. I am getting there, I swear I can feel it. I just need more time to make it there. My parents are still around and well. My sister is doing well in college. We are still together as if we're glued to each other, even if most of the time we live separately. They're the only people I can actually rely on, and I can say that they can count on me in return.
I learn to love myself and appreciate the smallest things around me.
What to improve
This is a tough one. I am still lacking in so many things. I think I should learn more to excel in my career. I want to be a good, versatile writer. There are so many things to learn, which require hundreds of hours of practice. I hope I can reach the point where I look back and say to myself that 'It's all worth it.' I want to write more. I want to be more articulate. I have a lot to say and I want the world to hear it. To do so, I need to study harder. I love studying, but I hate schools. I hate being in a commitment with a certain institution, so the best I can do is to learn from people around me, to read and write as much as I can.
I need to learn not to freak out when people show their interests in me. I need to learn not to suppress my emotions because most of the time, it fires back at me. I need to learn to say 'no' more. I need to learn to walk the talk. I need to be honest with myself and with the people around me. Plus, it would be nice if I can stop doing things out of courtesy, only to lead people to interpret my goodwill as something completely different, motivated by desire. I should be nice, but not overly friendly. It's funny, though, because I thought I was an introvert who shunned people away daily. Looking back, how many people have misunderstood my good intention? This definitely has to stop.
I need to understand that it's okay to be (not just do) a mistake because only then I can grow into something better. You need to fall before you can rise. Unless you can float or something. It's a privilege only a few can afford. I need to understand that people live their life at a different pace; mine might be a bit slower than others. So, it's pointless to compare your work or even life resume to others' because that's like a fast track to heartbreak and disappointment. Be wise. Be okay with what you have, but under no circumstance should I be stupid. Life is tough, and I have all the right to be wary. I should learn to enjoy it more, though.
Lastly, I need to stop living in my projection of a perfect life and, instead, bring the illusions to life. I should stop dreaming of being a good writer. I got to do something about it. I should stop dreaming of having a good relationship. I got to start creating one. I need to paint my own life instead of waiting for others to give me a pre-existing set of colors to put in the background. This hiding game has to end. It's time to seek. I should probably have my favorite phrase from my favorite person on earth tattooed on my arm. Stop hiding.
Here's to another 25 (plus one) years of living and learning.
note: edited because I am an idiot who can't do simple math
Now that I think of it, I think the root of all my problems is this: I'm afraid to take a risk. When I have someone I adore, I'm afraid of telling them how I really feel. I don't want things to change. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to bring chaos to an existing order. I don't want this person to change the way they think of me. I don't want this person to think that I have mistaken their sincerity for something more than an act of sincerity. I want to be genuine, but at the same time, I feel like I have to act in a certain way to keep myself safe. I feel insecure when I have my feelings all exposed. That's why I choose to lay low and even leave everything untold. I silence my feelings because I'm afraid of what could possibly happen if I let them out.
That's the exact same reason why I can't seem to move on. I stay in my bubbles of illusion and safety. At the same time, I let myself get hurt, knowing too well that I can hurt people more than they can hurt me. I've hurt people probably more than I can even remember, and I'm not risking people's happiness over my selfish state of mind. I know that I can never give back to these people, and that's exactly the reason why I tend to show them the way out before they even know how to get in. I might die single. Everyone dies alone, anyway.
Moving on to an even worse subject: career. I spent a whole year being a burden to my family. I was unable to make my own money, and I had seen the disappointment in people's eyes too many times that I didn't even have to look at them right in the eyes to know that they were boring holes at my useless ass. I was a failure. Still am. I was the textbook definition of what could go wrong with a former bright student, daughter, sister, and friend.
Again, the reason why I fell so hard was my inability to take a risk. I was too scared to face changes in life, the consequences of a choice that could've brought me somewhere completely different from where I am today. I could've been a journalist. I was given the chance twice, but I stepped back before I even started. I could've worked in the hospitality industry, become a trainee at a reputable international hotel chain if it wasn't for the fact that I chose my identity as a person over their mouthwatering offer of success and luxury. I could've done something sooner, though. I could've completed my degree sooner. Perhaps, the world would've been able to offer something even greater.
Then, I finally found a place where I could stand up on my own and secure my place in this unforgiving society, but this place was taken away too soon from the palm of my hand. It was bittersweet, but for some reason, I knew everything was meant to happen the way they happened. Still, I couldn't help but feel that I should've chased something bigger, something higher, something nobler even. Perhaps, that way I didn't have to see the look in people's eyes when I told them that I had no idea what to do with my life. Perhaps, I didn't have to hear all they had to say about how I crushed their expectations to the ground.
I used to promise myself that by the time I turned 25, I would've found myself in a completely different part of the world. That, of course, turned out to be another bullcrap I spat out of innocent expectation of how welcoming the world can potentially be. I was naive. Still am. That might be another reason why I keep walking in a circle while people simply move forward in life. I saw people finally finding their walk of life, actively chasing their purpose, knowing well what they want to achieve and how they would love to be remembered. And here I am, watching my world become less and less like a world and more like a designated space I somehow ended up at.
Enough with the negativity; now it's time for...
What went right
I probably made more terrible choices than I can make a good one, but there were days where I actually changed the course of my life for the better. The day I got out of a toxic relationship (I still think I was the toxic one, even though the other party was the overly-possessive one). The day I chose my faith and identity over a glimpse of success and luxury. Those days I chose my family over people I barely knew. Those days were quite rare, but they happened.
I had to bury many of my dreams, but some of my naive wishes came true. I've always wanted to be an editor. I got a job as a content editor at a small company. It was not the best job, but it was one of the best turning points in my life. It didn't end well, but it brought me to another interesting path of life. I've always wanted to be a writer. When this company closed down, I had two choices: become a localization staff at a game company in Jakarta or become a content writer at a game company in Bandung. Honestly, the latter came way after I rejected the former (honestly one of the best breakup I've ever gone through), but I was so sure that I could secure a place at the latter one. The universe was surely in a good mood the day they answered my prayer.
Unexpectedly, I manage to keep in touch with my dearest college buddies. They are my only close friends, honestly. I wish I could've kept my old friends from middle and high school close the way my college buddies stay with me throughout the years. It's okay; it's a natural selection. They might not even be the same people I recall in my memories. My current job environment helps me open up to people and create a bigger, better social circle, though. At least, I don't feel like running away every time I step into the office. Some people need to learn not to awaken the monster in me, though. For the first time in years, I feel like people actually care about me. Lesson learned: show that you care first.
I learned to compromise with myself. I used to hate my physical vessel with all my might. I couldn't go out not wearing the slightest layer of makeup. Nowadays, I can't even stand the feeling of powder on my face. I completely stopped wearing layers of foundation, BB cream, concealer, powder; you name it. Nowadays, it's just lip cream and I'm done. I'm still not pretty. I'm still not skinny. My face is not flawless. My chest is relatively flat. My butt is not firm. My thighs don't have a gap. My stomach is definitely not flat. I am happy with what I have, though.
I am single. My job doesn't pay that much. My resume is not that impressive. I am still living with my parents (even though most of the days it's just me and dad, in the morning and at night). The thing is: I am happy. I don't need a man to be happy (but it would be nice to have one). I make my own money and manage to save for myself. I am paving my own career, without any help from anyone or any connection. I am getting there, I swear I can feel it. I just need more time to make it there. My parents are still around and well. My sister is doing well in college. We are still together as if we're glued to each other, even if most of the time we live separately. They're the only people I can actually rely on, and I can say that they can count on me in return.
I learn to love myself and appreciate the smallest things around me.
What to improve
This is a tough one. I am still lacking in so many things. I think I should learn more to excel in my career. I want to be a good, versatile writer. There are so many things to learn, which require hundreds of hours of practice. I hope I can reach the point where I look back and say to myself that 'It's all worth it.' I want to write more. I want to be more articulate. I have a lot to say and I want the world to hear it. To do so, I need to study harder. I love studying, but I hate schools. I hate being in a commitment with a certain institution, so the best I can do is to learn from people around me, to read and write as much as I can.
I need to learn not to freak out when people show their interests in me. I need to learn not to suppress my emotions because most of the time, it fires back at me. I need to learn to say 'no' more. I need to learn to walk the talk. I need to be honest with myself and with the people around me. Plus, it would be nice if I can stop doing things out of courtesy, only to lead people to interpret my goodwill as something completely different, motivated by desire. I should be nice, but not overly friendly. It's funny, though, because I thought I was an introvert who shunned people away daily. Looking back, how many people have misunderstood my good intention? This definitely has to stop.
I need to understand that it's okay to be (not just do) a mistake because only then I can grow into something better. You need to fall before you can rise. Unless you can float or something. It's a privilege only a few can afford. I need to understand that people live their life at a different pace; mine might be a bit slower than others. So, it's pointless to compare your work or even life resume to others' because that's like a fast track to heartbreak and disappointment. Be wise. Be okay with what you have, but under no circumstance should I be stupid. Life is tough, and I have all the right to be wary. I should learn to enjoy it more, though.
Lastly, I need to stop living in my projection of a perfect life and, instead, bring the illusions to life. I should stop dreaming of being a good writer. I got to do something about it. I should stop dreaming of having a good relationship. I got to start creating one. I need to paint my own life instead of waiting for others to give me a pre-existing set of colors to put in the background. This hiding game has to end. It's time to seek. I should probably have my favorite phrase from my favorite person on earth tattooed on my arm. Stop hiding.
Here's to another 25 (plus one) years of living and learning.
note: edited because I am an idiot who can't do simple math
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